The History Channel’s new season of American Pickers exceeded all of my expectations tonight when the boys continued their journey through Florida and got mixed up in the blood and guts and brain eating of a Zombie Apocalypse!
Okay. Not really. The show was just so damned boring tonight that picking a Zombie Apocalypse seems like a good idea to me.
The show opens with Danielle (looking very ravishing, I must say) telling us that the boys are still in Florida where the pickin’ is slim. Ahem. Note To The American Pickers…Florida is where people fly down to get rid of Dead Aunt Edna’s estate and they only have a day to do it because the kids want to see Disney World. Yes, Danielle, you cupcake, things do rust in Florida’s humidity and salty air. However, Mike and Frank could try looking INSIDE of dwellings for pickable items. My personal father bought a vintage Leika camera for $20 outta someone’s Dead Aunt Edna’s Florida storage shed and the money he made selling it paid for his whole damned vacation. However, the boys would rather ride around and pay nearly retail for what they call “rusty gold,” so more power to them. I guess.
Danielle has worked hard to find leads for the boys (they can’t keep their eyes open for yard sale signs, apparently), and she has come up with a man who has vintage motorcycles. Mike and Frank travel to see this man. We’ll call him “Steve” because his name is Steve. Steve has some rusty crap to show the boys. It’s Florida, so the rusty crap is too rusty for even Mike and Frank to buy for nearly retail. Then, Steve suggests that they all go inside and, after some initial fear of the indoors, Mike and Frank agree to check out the nice, protected stuff. WHOA!!! There is a lot of cool and non-rusty stuff inside! It’s shiny. There is PAINT on it. There are motorcycles in there that will actually crank. If the boys pay nearly retail for this stuff, they might be able to sell it for actual retail! The only drawback is that Steve is insane and has tried to cool the boiling mush that is his fevered brain by dressing up mannequins and pretending that they are his friends.
But then Steve proves he’s not really so nuts. He doesn’t want to sell his NICE stuff. It has paint on it and it’s shiny and it works and it looks nice. Steve was looking to unload the SHIT. Mike and Frank bug him to sell, so he has his various dressed up mannequins, who are actually ZOMBIES, eat Mike and Frank’s brains. But before their brains are eaten, Mike and Frank buy about three things and stand to make a couple hundred bucks from them. Oh, and they pay $500 for a big metal “folk art” (which means home-made) ship that appears to have been carefully crafted from Spam cans.
Back in the van, the boys are mad at Danielle because the pick wasn’t very good. All of the stuff outside was too crappy to pay retail for and all of the good stuff wasn’t for sale. And zombies ate their brains. Actually, they did about as well at Steve’s as they’ve done on any pick they’ve had this season, but somehow this one has made them mad. I assume their anger is to keep our interest, but I think more zombies would keep our interest better.
The boys go to an auctioneer who appraises their big boat they got from Steve. It’s WWII trench art, made out of Spam cans by sailors on the very ship that the boys’ ship is a copy of. At least that is what we’re guessin’ because I don’t think there is any real way of knowin’, with no provenance, which is something that never, ever comes into play on this show which is supposed to be about antiques.
Danielle has tried to redeem herself by coming up with a new lead. She sends the boys out to see Sidecar Willie. Sidecar Willie lives in a geodesic dome which was probably pretty cool before the Florida weather made it look junktacular. I’m actually surprised that Mike and Frank don’t try to buy Willie’s rusting, leaning-to-one-side house, but they are mainly there to see his collection of hundreds of motorcycle sidecars and they won’t have room for the house and hundreds of sidecars in the van.
Mike and Frank end up inside again, where they buy some things for more or less retail. Mike gets a Beatles Butcher album cover and some Beatles t-shirts and Beatles cake toppers that were like this but Mike’s weren’t in the box. Mike pays ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR THE BEATLES ITEMS. He thinks they are worth $1600, but I don’t know what people in what universe pay that kind of money for pure T crap. You click on my links up there and you can see what this junk goes for on eBay and it ain’t no $1600.
Sidecar Willie then shows the boys his enormous sidecar collection which is one sidecar. The boys buy that for $1000 and tell us it’s worth $1800, but we’ve learned we can’t believe the boys when it comes to values. Then Sidecar Willie runs over Mike and Frank with his large collection of useless and dangerous motorcycle unicycles and he uses the huge single wheels to crack open the boys’ skulls so he can better devour their brains. This time, the boys aren’t mad at Danielle and we don’t know why because one hundred sidecars were really only one sidecar but whatever.
The History Channel is finally learning what is cute about this show, and it’s Danielle. Danielle is getting more camera time every week, and it isn’t nearly enough as long as the show isn’t entirely about Danielle. This week, we see Danielle selling things to customers in the shop. The segment is shocking to me because we have never, EVER seen customers in this shop before. We’ve seen the boys dropping stuff off there and we’ve seen Danielle on the phone and on the sofa asleep, but now there are suddenly CUSTOMERS. I’m sure they have to be paid extras. Nobody shops at Antique Archaeology. Danielle should have kept it that way. Isolation is your best defense in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, Danielle. Kick out those actors and lock the damned doors! Keep those tattoos safe!
The last pick of the episode is a freestyle. Frank and Mike love to show us freestyle, where they just stumble onto stuff. Now, I’m sure that they USED to stumble onto stuff, but times have changed for these boys. Fame has knocked on their doors and they have to pretend to stumble onto stuff.
Frank and Mike pretend to stop to eat, and they meet these girls who say, “Oh, you cute boys sit right down at our table!” Like that EVER would have happened if the boys weren’t lugging a camera crew with them. Then one of the girls says, “Oh, you are PICKERS? Well, I bet the owner of this restaurant has a lot of restaurant decorations he isn’t using and he can sell them to you!” She says it real unnaturally, so we think she might be another zombie, but she’s really just a bad actress.
So Frank and Mike go inside and the restaurant owner pretends he doesn’t know who they are and he pretends that there isn’t a camera crew with them. He and his intensely tense identical triplet stick-up-butt brothers proceed to sell Mike and Frank decorations they aren’t using, which includes four giant taxidermy bears. Mike and Frank pretend to trade the brothers their trench art ship for some other crap so we will think that they are shrewd and wily traders.
Then, Mike and Frank drive off chortling about what great pickers they are and laughing about how much room those giant taxidermy bears have taken up in the back of the van. Umm…isn’t there supposed to be a sidecar in the back of the van? And stuff they’ve supposedly been buying in other parts of Florida during this pick? Is this a magic van or something that expands to hold whatever Mike and Frank put in it? Then the bears come back to life, claw their way to the front of the van and suck Mike and Frank’s brains out through their noses.
PS Lock yourself in a bathroom, Danielle! Don’t let any more of those people in! THEY AREN’T CUSTOMERS, DANIELLE!!!