It’s Monday night, and that means that Mike and Frank are on the road, looking to pay a lot more than I think they should pay for what they call “rusty gold” and I call “mostly crap.” Welcome to my weekly review of American Pickers.
Mike and Frank continued their pick of Texas this week by continuing to drive around Texas. I didn’t know where in Texas they were at first because the History Channel didn’t do us the honor of telling us. This level of secrecy leads me to assume that the History Channel is afraid that we will all rush down to Texas and stalk everyone there. It took me two minutes on the internet to discover that one of Frank and Mike’s stops was in Alvarado. It took less time to discover almost all of the other stops, and I’ve sprinkled links through this review so you can discover them, too. I’m not a professional detective. Nor am I a picker, but a lot of times I think I could do better than Frank and Mike.
First stop was Alvarado to visit Ardeen Vaughn. Ardeen is a former funeral director who no longer deals with people corpses, but he is still fairly creepy. I’m not listing everything the boys bought this week, but I will hit the highlights. From Ardeen, Mike bought a 1892-1895 bike, manufacturer unknown. It was kind of like this one that sold for less than $500 but Mike’s was more broken. Mike paid a breath-taking $850 for it and claimed he could get $1850. I dunno, Mike. Did you ever consider checking eBay?
Speaking of eBay, Frank bought an embalming table like this one that sold for about $300 only Frank’s was WAY crappier. Frank paid $250 and hoped to get $500. Ol’ Ardeen told Frank that Wyatt Earp was embalmed on that table. Then he talked Frank into stuffing hard boiled eggs up his butt and waddling outside to shoot them at the local ladies’ garden club while screaming, “I’m a cannon! I’m a cannon!”
Okay. I made that part up. The part about the eggs, I mean. The part where Frank seemed a little extra eager to shell out because someone said the name “Wyatt Earp” with nothing to back it up really did happen. Frank did get some old embalming stuff thrown into the deal, and if he made any money, it would have come from the embalming stuff.
The show tonight seemed to be a little about hoarders. Danielle must have found a Texas hoarders website. Poor use of Danielle this week, incidentally. What the show needs, and nearly everyone agrees with me, is more Danielle. The only Danielle we got was Danielle on the phone a few times. Not good enough, Pickers. Not. Good. Enough.
So the next hoarder, and all of these people were perfectly pleasant people, they just had tons of tons of SHIT, collects telephone-related things almost exclusively. Don lives in a 10,000 foot warehouse with 200,000 telephones. The History Channel didn’t come out and say so, but it’s a museum. Here’s Don’s website.
Don sold Mike a little speaker that looked like a headlight only it was real real crappy and Mike had to tell us that it looked like a headlight. He paid $60. Mike told us he could get $150 out of it, but I don’t know how. Then Don sold Frank a SWITCHBOARD for $650. An entire, big, There Is Nothing Else You Can Use It For But A Switchboard switchboard. Frank said he could get $1500 for it. Maybe so. A switchboard did sell on eBay for more than that, and I have no earthly idea why. But, there you go, I felt a little admiration for Frank…but only when it comes to switchboards. No other admiring Frank will happen here.
Next stop was to pick Susan, who was selling her hoard to send her fatherless triplet nephews to college. Although the Pickers are prone to paying damned near retail damned near all of the time, they chose this pick to tighten up their wallets. First the boys were cheap with Susan. Then they obviously didn’t want to look bad with for the cameras and they started throwing money at her. It was bizarre and confusing and we mostly don’t know what they bought and what they paid for it or what they think it was worth. They did buy a kiddie icebox for $60. Mike claimed it to be worth $150, but he wasn’t going to sell it. He was going to use it as a display piece at their shop, which is normal because Mike doesn’t sell half of what he picks. In the future, we can expect a show where Frank picks Mike. Brrrr. The mental images I just got….I won’t go into them.
Last stop was Cecil. Cecil was where the boys made up for being nice to Susan. Cecil was a Texaco and Gulf service station attendant when he was young. Cecil is no longer young, and he has a ton of stuff. Cecil was mild mannered and sweet, and the boys basically took advantage of him and harassed him into selling stuff he clearly didn’t want to sell, at least not at the prices they were offering. Honestly, I feel like we are seeing the real Frank and the real Mike when they do things like that. They didn’t build a business being Santa Claus to the junk-endowed. Although Frank did make the kind of deal that I’m used to watching the Pickers make. He bought tiger handlebar grips, and here are some on eBay with an opening bid of what Frank paid, $10, and no takers as of yet.
The last stop of the show was Doug. Doug is into Cushman scooters, and the boys wanted Doug to appraise the particularly ugly Cushman scooter that they’d harassed Cecil into selling to them for $2800. Cecil had wanted $4000, but Frank beat him down. Doug tells Frank and Mike that their Cushman scooter is worth $4000…exactly what Cecil had wanted for it. The boys rejoice in their picking prowess and general ability to rob old men while America watches. Yay!
I give this episode 2 Rusty Ice Picks Up The Nose out of a possible score of 5 Rusty Ice Picks Up The Nose. It managed to be boring and frantic at the same time. If it hadn’t been frantic, it wouldn’t have gotten any ice picks at all.
More Danielle, please.