American Pickers Go Beechnuts In Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio

Another re-run of American Pickers graced my television screen, tonight.  I’ve decided to review it because I have a loyal following of about three people for these reviews, so here we go.

Mike starts off this episode by insulting the Amish.  Mike tells us as the boys drive along the highway that it’s so hot that he saw an Amish person buy an air conditioner.  Ha ha, Mike.  The joke makes me uncomfortable and nervous because I’m afraid that I’m going to see Mike and Frank sweat in this episode.  Unfortunately, I’m right.

Mike and Frank have a gimmick for this episode.  They plan to trade up.  They have a Dixie cup dispenser that they paid $50 for on a previous episode.  Nobody wants it because it’s incomplete and it’s trash and it’s stupid.  It has sat in their shop for months.  Mike and Frank need to find someone more gullible than themselves to trade it to.  It’s hard to believe this will happen, but it will.

First stop is a house with a lime green taxi cab out front.  The taxi cab is really cute.  The house was really cute 100 years ago.  It is an old Victorian house that is going to fall down in about 50 different directions someday.  Someday real soon.  In fact, I would be interested to know if it is still standing, but not so interested that I’m going to try to actually find out. 

Mike and Frank discover Will in the house.  Will’s father was an auctioneer who died seven years ago.  Apparently Will has been in the house ever since, boxing up his father’s things.  This is the second time in the past few weeks that the boys have showed us people who stand around in falling down dwellings for YEARS staring at their inheritance with a stream of drool running from their mouths to the floor. 

Will seems more than happy to let the boys unbox all of the things that he just spent seven years boxing up, so away we go.  Mike buys a Mego Mobile Bat Lab Batman VW van toy for $25, which is a good deal.  Here is what one went for on eBay.

That is the last good deal the boys make that day.  Frank buys a Hohner accordian which expels air from its musty old bellows that Mike says smells like “Donkey Breath.”  Somebody is going to want to pump on that beauty!  Or not. 

Mike buys two chalkware figures.  One is broken.  I’m not even going to talk about the chalkware figures.  Okay, actually I am.  There are a very few valuable chalkware figures and then there are all other chalkware figures.  The ones Mike finds come under the heading of “all other,” and Mike pays $65 for them.  Mike declares them to be in excellent condition, which confuses me because I’m not familiar with excellent condition meaning “broken.” 

The last item the boys buy from the house is a Jayne Mansfield water bottle that is missing the cap on top of its head.  Mike pays $30 and expects to sell sexy Jayne with the open brain pan for $125.  Here is the highest price that one has sold for on eBay lately, and it ain’t no $125.  You’ll notice that this Jayne has her cap, and Mike’s did not.  If you read the listing, you’ll also notice that the seller laments paying too much for the bottle at an estate sale after he saw it on American Pickers and thought it was rare and valuable because the American Pickers said it was.

Then it’s out to what Will calls “The Shop,” but it’s actually a tool shed.  I don’t know why we have to make the distinction.  The damned house is going to fall on it and we’ll be calling it The Splinters.  In The Shop, Mike spots a Predicta television set.  Mike likes Predictas.  Apparently he isn’t the only one.  I don’t get it, but they are things that people apparently want.

Mike sees his opportunity to cheat someone, so he rushes out to the van to grab the Dixie cup dispenser.  He dangles it in front of Will.  Will drools some more.  He trades the Predicta for the incomplete Dixie cup dispenser because he apparently doesn’t feel that he has enough broken crap now that he’s sold Mike and Frank a little bit of his broken crap.  Mike tells us that the Predicta is worth $150, so he has traded well.

Mike has also sweated well on Will’s property, but not as well as Frank.  Oh.  My.  God.  So much sweating.  I can’t believe that Frank didn’t faint.  His entire shirt changed color.  You know that there was some serious stink in that house.  Mildew, Donkey Breath Accordian, mouse poop, and Picker sweat.  I certainly would have fainted if I’d been there, but not from the heat.

The boys replace Will in his drool spot in the corner and follow a Danielle lead to Indiana.  Danielle didn’t get much air time this week.  This episode was made before The History Channel learned that people like to look at hot women.  It IS The History Channel, after all, and they’ve only recently stopped showing old Hitler propaganda films 24/7.

Danielle directs the boys to Ted.  Ted was an antiques restorer.  Ted has 16,000 items, which he has cataloged.  The boys are amazed and amused that Ted has everything cataloged.  Um…Ted was in BUSINESS.  Ted needed to know what he had invested in things so he would know what to sell them for.  Instead of learning something from Ted, the boys laugh at him, which they can afford to do thanks to The History Channel supplementing their incomes.

Ted is selling things because his children don’t want them.  Ted’s children have no interest in antiques.  We’ve seen other people like Ted on the show with collections and nobody to leave them to.  They sell out to avoid burdening their families with unwanted things.  They sell out to have money to enjoy with their families before they die.  When Ted pulls out his own personal childhood toys, I have to wonder if Ted has a special reason for selling, and that reason is spite.  It’s a little hard to believe that nobody in the family would ever want these beautifully kept vintage toys.  I could be wrong, but I got the impression that Ted was really pissed off over his children daring to be so ungrateful that they didn’t want 16,000 things they didn’t choose to buy themselves.  

The notable thing that Frank and Mike buy from Ted is a cardboard Dizzy and Paul Dean Beechnut Tobacco poster.  They pay $425, it’s appraised at $800, and they go to Busch stadium to get the appraisal.  That part bored me, so that’s all I’m telling you about that.  Oh, and the boys try to stick Ted with the Predicta in exchange for a saxaphone, but Ted’s a businessman, so he laughs at them.

Last stop is another Danielle lead in Illinois.  Tim Maring has an enormous collection of vintage VWs (junkyard) that is too junky even for the boys.  They find a couple of things in the house, like a Bud Light VW van that rides around on record albums and scratches them to pieces.  Mike pays $50.  Here is one in the box on eBay.  Mike’s isn’t in the box.  Frank manages to pay $800 for a BSA motorcycle that he thinks he can sell for $1300 because Tim told him it was worth $1600. 

The most exciting thing that happens at Tim’s Too Junky To Pick Junkyard is that Tim is stupid enough to trade a box of fractional coins for the Predicta.  The boys tell Tim that the television is worth $200.  When they were trying to trade it to Ted, it was worth $150. 

So the show ends with a pack of lies.  The boys lie to Tim about the worth of the Predicta, and then Danielle has the nerve to lie to US, her loyal fans, about the worth of the fractional coins.  She calls the boys on the road with an appraisal value on coins that an appraiser HAS NOT SEEN.  On the basis of not seeing the coins and having no idea what they are or what condition they are in or even how many of them there are, the appraiser feels they are worth $350-400.  To celebrate this fake appraisal, the boys buy a back massage thingie for the van.  At the end of the show, we have to feel sorry for the mechanical massage thingie as it kneads Frank’s sweaty ass. 

PS  BUY MY EBOOK!!!




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2 Responses to American Pickers Go Beechnuts In Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio

  1. Jaye says:

    I am Number One Fan! So, Number Two and Number Three can suck it!

    I think the Predicta TVs have Smell-O-Vision, which is probably why the boys like it so much.

  2. puffin shrapnel palin says:

    Keep them coming, Marina! LOVE your reviews!

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