Stagger Back To Me, The Walking Dead!

Sunday is coming again this week, but it’ll come without my weekly social and philosophical fix.  No, I don’t go to church.  I watch THE WALKING DEAD on AMC.  It’s water cooler talk at work (except we don’t drink water out of that nasty cooler).  The show leaves me searching my own soul.  Would I have looked for Sophia?  Eh, maybe, but not for long.  It is an inkblot by which I can interpret the souls of those around me.  Would they REALLY be disciples of Shane if the world ended?  Nah.  They just think that men who look unsmart are sexy.

THE WALKING DEAD is the show I love to love, but it’s also the show I love to hate.  Has there ever been another open-ended television series about the end of the world?  I don’t think so.  I’m damned sure that this is the first television series about zombies.  For me, that’s enough to make me love the show, right there.  The subject matter is what I crave…the end of the world AND zombies. 

There are brilliant moments in the series, and I really love those.  Little zombie Sophia coming out of the barn, growling at the people who sentimentally, senselessly searched for her little dead ass.  Daryl Dixon’s worse-than-Daryl brother, Merle, leaving empty handcuffs and a hacksaw on a rooftop in Atlanta as evidence that he sawed off his own hand in order to survive.  An overhead shot of zombies dining on a horse that was very like watching thousands of ants swarm over and around a Cheeto crumb.  I loved all of that.

And, of course, there is the stuff I don’t love so much.  I winced at Rick talking about the harsh winters in Atlanta.  Um…Rick…Atlanta barely has winter AT ALL.  I have to wonder if some Georgia resident wandered into his local watering hole, crying tears of mirth, saying to his buddies, “Them television people?  I told them that it SNOWS here.  FEET OF SNOW!” 

I wanted to personally punch Lori out when she poo-pooed Andrea sitting look-out duty when there is all of this LAUNDRY that needs done.  Lori?  Honey?  If you are more worried about having clean clothes than whether or not someone is looking out for zombies, you aren’t having a very difficult zombie apocalypse. 

Speaking of Lori, her character changes the way the wind blows.  Her justification for wanting to take Andrea off of sentry duty and to put her on laundry duty is that the MEN are handling all of the zombie stuff.  Then Lori almost immediately sets out on her own to get Herschel from town because his daughter is sick, in spite of the fact that MEN had left ten minutes earlier to get Herschel from town because his daughter is sick.  However, all of the characters change mercurially.  They want Shane dead because they are afraid of him, then they react with repugnance when Rick tells them that he killed Shane.

The thing that bothers me most about the show is that the characters spend a lot of time talking about how they are living through the end of the world, yet they spend very little time dealing with their ended world.  They eat when they’re hungry, but they very rarely gather food and never hoard it.  They have sex whenever the mood hits them, and all they worry about is birth control, not being overheard by an undead naked-ass-eating ZOMBIE.  They very rarely exhibit the “I Just Want To Shit In A TOILET One More Time” desperation that would have to be the main emotion during zombie attack down-time. 

And, lastly, I know that children are resilient.  I know that children often adapt to horrendous circumstances much more easily than the adults around them.  I know that children are often fearless.  With that said…STAY IN THE FUCKING HOUSE, CARL!!!  My God.  Who among us would not beat Carl’s ass to pieces daily?  I do not believe in violence against children, but I would totally chase a shrieking Carl back into the house with a bullwhip.  After Carl wanders off and scares the hell out of everyone with his absence at the most horrible time for him to be absent, instead of beating Carl’s ass, Carl’s Walking Dead family gives him angry looks and handguns of his very own.

With all of that whining whined, with all of that bitching bitched, COME BACK SOON, WALKERS!  I’M GOING TO MISS YOU!


I wish I’d read the graphic novels.  I’m sure I would be able to bitch more, if I had.  I understand that the series is faithful to the graphic novels in the same way that Jesse James was faithful to Sandra Bullock, by which I mean “vaguely.”  However, I can’t read them now, because there might be spoilers.


I know someone who wrote a bitchin’ Coney Island zombie e-story prologue to a soon-to-be-released New York City zombie story collection (me).

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11 Responses to Stagger Back To Me, The Walking Dead!

  1. Jaye says:

    OMG, I laughed so hard. I had to go drag DD1 down from upstairs to read it to her and laugh again. Now my stomach hurts.

  2. pennywatson says:

    Also, the men are still shaving? Where are the Paul Bunyan-style beards? And the women have high-lights and low-lights in their softly curled hair? They should have dreads by now.

    Love the Jesse James jab!

  3. Becky says:

    I need clarification please. Lori is a zombie and ate Andrea and then poo-pooed her out? This show sounds familiar to the one you use to watch where it was after the end of the world and they were trying to survive. Forget the name of that one.

  4. juliabarrett says:

    Oh. My. God. I am your biggest zombie fan girl. This is the show I love to hate and can’t not watch, TSTL Lori notwithstanding. And by the way, I’m on Team Shane Forever. He was the only one who got it. The world is not the same. Plus without Shane, nobody will ever know where the hell Carl is.
    Yeah, sure, that good old Georgia winter is gonna slow ’em down. Yup. Genius, Rick. Pure genius.
    1. I would not have left Sophia to find her way back in the first place and if I’d been so stupid as to assume a panicked child could find her way back to the others through zombie-infested woods, when she vanished I would have spent a single afternoon looking for her, no more. C’mon, commonsense dictates that she was nothing more than the day’s blue plate special.
    2. I would have shot Randall where he lay so as to avoid all existential angsty discussions. And by the way, we have to take our time to consider the killing of Randall but Shane just gets offed? Where’s Dale when you need him? Oh yeah, he stopped to look at a gutted cow because apparently in the zombie apocalypse we all, aside from Andrea and Shane, lose IQ points.
    3. I’d be searching high and low for razor wire to stretch all around a defensive position in addition to hoarding food, getting a backhoe to dig a moat and trenches to fill with spikes, while stocking up on as much ammo as I could find, such as surface to air missals, flame-throwers. automatic weapons, mortars, grenades, land mines.
    4. I’d write the occasional speaking part for T-Dogg.
    5. I think Andrea has earned the right to shoot Lori because Lori’s comments regarding laundry and the men handling the zombies require nothing less.
    I think I’m in love…

  5. Pingback: For My Walking Dead Junkie Friends: Choose Your Own Adventure « Jaye's Love Affair With Genre Fiction

  6. Sophia = Obeys her mama, obeys Rick when he tells her to hide in the gully and sneak back to the highway once the walker herd passes. Result: Gets zombified, quarantined in Herschel’s walker barn and mercy-shot by a remorseful Rick.
    Carl = Wanders around the walker-infested countryside at will, fails to shoot the walker that winds up killing Dale and steals Daryl’s pistol. Result: Suffers no walker-bitings, or parental butt-whoopings, and gets to keep both Daryl’s pistol and the cool deputy hat.
    Cue Rachel Maddow: “Guess what survived the zombie apocalypse, folks? Gender inequality!”
    P.S. Herschel … walkers … Herschel Walker. And the show’s set in Georgia! Is this an inside joke aimed at football fans?
    I love this blog, QM! Keep ’em coming.

  7. I couldn’t read this post. Or the comments. Because I finally, FINALLY got Netflix and can see what all the fuss is about!! So not spoilers for me!

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